If I see blood, I’m going to scream.

I stopped taking pregnancy tests. Now I just wait for doomsday to arrive. I have this weird mental superstition that if I buy more tampons, enough for the next cycle, then I’ll probably have my period again instead of getting pregnant. So far, it’s lined up. Silly – I know. It’s not true; there’s no reality behind that. It’s just something the enemy likes to throw in when I’m trying to figure out regulars or supers for the current cycle.

The enemy tends to weasel his way in, which is why it’s important to stay grounded in your faith.

Do we ever talk enough about the fact that going through infertility AND being on your period is like double stupid? Double mental hazards and double emotions. Double heartbreak. Double disappointment. Double the strength.

One night – around 2AM, I woke up out of my sleep feeling super nauseous. I immediately jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom. I sat on the cold tile, leaning over our toilet and releasing whatever dinner, lunch, or breakfast I had that day. I never felt like this before, full nausea. I remember thinking to myself, “I’m pregnant”. I had to be. The symptoms, the timing, all of it seemed like this was it.

The next day, my nausea continued. I was a few days out from my period, and I was afraid to take a pregnancy test to confirm. The nausea got worse as the day went on and my thoughts built up and started to grow against me. The following day I woke up then.. it happened. Blood. Lots of it. I started. The nausea was still in full effect, along with period cramps and everything else. I felt defeated. I was drained. I was over it. I was empty. I was angry. So many emotions swirled through me. I cried out to God, and felt my body go weak. I was dealing with a reality check of not being pregnant on top of excruciating pains that ended up lasting 4 days and leading me to urgent care. But in that moment, I laid on our office floor, stomach to the ground and just cried. I never felt that numb before. I doubted my faith. I doubted God and His plans. I really laid there thinking this is all silly, I can’t keep doing this. I keep praising God, but it feels like he doesn’t hear me. It feels like he doesn’t know what I am going through. Another month. Another no. Aother invisible negative.

The enemy is very strategic. The nausea, combined with other symptoms/pain, I would soon find out I was experiencing gastronitis. (BE SO FOREAL). This was the worst month EVER, hands down.

BUT.

I want to tell you what the Lord does. He hears our cries and knows our hearts. He is always with us. That Sunday, we watched our church service online in our bed since I wasn’t feeling my best. I had my Bible, and I sat criss-crossed, ready to hear the word from Pastor Alex. (Shout-out BattleCreek Church!!!) He ended up introducing someone else to speak that day, and he spoke on John 15. If you have a Bible – meet me there. During the message, the Spirit washed over me. My pen picked up, and I began circling ever. single. word “Remain’ or “Remain in me”. It couldn’t have been more clearer. The Lord was with me! There was no ignoring it. I pulled back and looked at my Bible. Which is the first picture you see down below. Tears collected in my eyes as the pastor continued his sermon. The next thing he revealed blew my absolute mind. Remember – I doubted God, my faith, and all that was happening.. Well, God restored my faith, strength, and hope in a simple W.A.I.T equation. The second picture below is a full breakdown of that equation presented. Scroll to see what I am referring to, and just give that a thought. The Lord was literally telling me, no way I am leaving you, nor have I ever left you or ever will. He gave me a whole mental equation to defeat the enemy! To destroy the worldly thoughts that were destroying his masterplan for me.

The scriptures tell us to remain in Him, so that’s what I’ve done ever since. As of today, it’s been 2 years and 2 months trying to grow our family. Although this was the worst month, it was also the one that gave me the strength to carry on.

Whether it’s infertility or something you are going through in life in general, let this be your reminder to REMAIN in him. John 15:4 says, “Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me”.